Recently I have had the displeasure of fighting an illness that really took me out of "myself". I found myself unable to eat, losing weight (with an already slender figure), unable to sit up by myself at times and losing interest in all the things that I once found pleasure in. I hadn't really been outside in a few days and not only was my physical body beginning to become weary but my spirit had taken a severe negative effect. I begin to have depressed thoughts as the idea of ever being able to enjoy my life again seemed farther and father away. The worst times were the times to take the medication. I would literally be scarred and it seemed like at times I didn't know the difference between being sleep and awake. The hardest thing to do was to look in the mirror not just because I looked a physical mess but because there was something visibly missing from my eyes. They had no life anymore and the look of pity people gave me reminded me of my dreadful reflection. There are many times I lay there feeling like the room was spinning asking God to have mercy on me and let me die. I had no pride anymore an the illness that I had once felt like I had under control had at it's mercy.
I remember being in the shower and not being able to hold myself up anymore. I leaned against the shower wall and began to pray and ask God to for the sweet relief of death. The doctors had no answers and it really seemed like this was how the rest of my life was going to be so why not end it here? It's funny how circumstances like this can make death seem so welcoming.
As I prayed to die I began singing a song that I always hear in church "When I see Jesus". The words felt so good because I wanted to die and see Jesus more than anything but as I began to sing and tears poured down my face I heard God speak. He didn't get loud or hype and seemed so unfazed by my ridiculous tantrum. Just as calm as He pleased he whispered Isaiah 55:11
"So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it."
And I began to remember the promises that God made over my life. I began to remember being diagnosed and God telling me not to be afraid because he had factored this into His plan and that He didn't change his mind. So I pulled it together and I took the medicine and I got sick. And I took it the next day. And I got sick.Until my doctors pulled my off the medication and I began to get better. It happened so fast. And I have so much life in me.
I never realized how much we take for granted the little things like being able to sit up at a table and eat or even having an appetite. Being able to decide to get dressed and just doing it! being able to walk outside without holding on to anyone and not just breathe the fresh air but to have an awareness that you are outside. And even though that was the hardest thing I ever had to endure and by far the most frightful and lonely time I can recall, I thank God for the experience.
Many people I know need money and parties, alcohol, drugs and sex to enjoy life but me.....I am thrilled to just sit here in this chair and type on a computer that a few days ago I could not sit in front of.
In the end when all what seems to be "fun" fades away. All that matters is that God is pleased with your life...and trust me you don't want to learn that lesson the hard way!